Keeping a distant from others can result in a meticulous process of self absorption. Keeping a distance from yourself, can be socially appealing. Recently, I've been wavering between the two, only to discover that you cannot take a distance from yourself, if you do not know yourself well enough to take yourself lightly, i.e. make light jokes about yourself to make others feel at ease, drop their guard, and feel no need for a confrontational stance. I mean, seriously, why take yourself seriously.
I've been in a bit of self reflection recently. Going back in my mind, I reflect that I have:
- Never went to any of my own graduations: I missed them all on purpose.
- Hate weddings and funerals: Barely called mine a wedding when I got married (or a celebration when I got divorced).
- Despise religious holidays, national days, and traditions: anything distantly traditional or "normal" such as eating three meals a day, meeting family at high seasons, sleeping in one shot, joining any group that can call themselves "us" is remotely unappealing and rather appalling to me.
- Know a whole lot of people, but none that I could call real friends: no one who knows me inside out.
- Judgmental: my way or the high way.
- Breaks up relationships because of the slightest attempt to change my erratic ways of living. Or for showing any sort of religiousness towards a particular god, thought, group or party.
- Never succumbed to peer pressure, in fact, I drop the peer as soon as they pressure me.
- Never succumbed to peer pressure, in fact, I drop the peer as soon as they pressure me.
- and most important of all, I love it.
There are many ways to analyse this: cowardliness or bravery? Self absorption or self distance? Anti-social or socially open to all? Nomad or inept to establish bases? I guess the answer depends on the perspective of the reader. In any case, I have decided that after reflecting on who I have become, I shall:
- Continue to disregard any form of normativeness.
- Won't feel no shame, for anything I do or anything I don't.
- Accept that the mind is a boggling mystery.
- Continue to play by the one simple truth: my life, my rules. I'll just continue to surround myself with those who have an understanding for the unshakable need for freedom and the parallel desire for closeness.
Being always "on the road somewhere" has been extremely helpful in making me adapt to anything that comes my way. But now, when I, for once, feel that I have established my own base, home, and roots somewhere, I am waking up to the fact that it is empty and rather lonely. I am no longer "on the road somewhere," I am "right here and right now" and I do have to face myself and my surroundings every passing minute.
Mastering the art of being right here and right now is not only about being witty and quick. It seems to me that it is about accepting that you don't need to make a point to yourself, nor to others, anymore, and instead, take it all with a light heart. It is about stepping out of self absorption, and taking a distance from yourself. And only then, you can actually enjoy others for who they are (not too hard, or is it?).
I still don't give a shit about normativeness.
6 comments:
Well, you are you and don't let anyone change that... Apart from yourself!
Like looking in the mirror!! do you also turn your phone off for days on end?
Thank you for sharing!
Dina - I often forget both work and home phones uncharged. Do u do that too?
Yes but I do that on purpose! lol
WOW - wonderfully written, and food for thought. Thanks buddy.
I don't think you are "my way or the high way". I find you very adabtable and open to new ways of thinking or doing things. Other people might be able to show you new ways and change your ways - but of course only if you choose to be persuaded. So a new and different way might become your way...
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